Drawn Lethargism

Posted on: 5.12.2013 @ 5:41 AM |

Camille Dajay said on May 18, 2013 at 8:16 AM

There is a difference between being an introvert and liking solitude. :)
One step at a time, Gel!

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I'm Settling into Voyeurism

I'll always be an outsider.

Even so, please keep the door ajar.

Who knows?Maybe one day I'll come inside.

So,life happened. Lately I'm not in the mood to post anything because I'm afraid that whatever prohibitions I have will eventually get the best of me and those feelings ultimately be concretized. By the way, I'm writing without considering what the readers would think/feel about me. For the first time,let me not care.

These past few weeks, I'm becoming more and more worried about my empty life plan. All my life I've been studying and now that I'm done with it, what's next?I'm still a few years shy of being 25 but I feel like suffering from quarter-life crisis. Honestly,this is killing me.

I'm still not applying for an OJT. I've hypnotized myself into believing that I deserve a few weeks worth of literally doing nothing. But when I see my college friends going a few steps ahead of me, my notion that I'm a lazy ass strenghtens. Well,this is just one of my worries.

I've met a few people this summer. There are instances when I feel like I can become closer to them but then most of the time, I'd freeze out and bam!I'm back to base 1. I've read an article from the Huffington Post about introverts (Read). I've always considered myself as an extrovert- oh please, my close friends know this. I can be loud and be quite obnoxious. However, this belief has been shattered mercilessly. Here's a list from the article "Nine Signs that You Might Be an Introvert" by Sophia Dembling: (commentaries in italics)

1. You rarely think "the more the merrier". Recently, I'm more comfortable with small groups. I rather be with my barkadas than party around with strangers. This also made me realize that I'm a bit sociophobic. Sad but true.I'm not sure if it's insecurity or I'm just allergic to people.Nah, that's an exaggeration.

2. You consider doing nothing doing somethng.I'm a home buddy and I love doing things alone.My time,my way.

3.Sometimes you feel like your head might explode. Okay,so I'll pass on this one. If anything, I feel lethargic. And this is an everyday thing.

4.You hide in the bathroom sometimes.Funny because it's not to hide from people but to frequently pee--something to do with having large liquid intake,mind you.

5. You are ready to leave the party shortly after arriving.Well it depends. If I have my close friends with \ me then I can handle. Otherwise, I'll be gone.

6.You haven't answered a ringing telephone in years. In my case, I can live without a cellphone. Quite a few times, I was unable to read text messages received a few days back! This I'm changing soon. Bad habit, you say.

7. You prefer one close friend over 100 lovely acquaintances. Amen to this.

8.You can't imagine what all those people find to talk about.Sapul. Just this morning, this person that I like approached me and initiated a small talk. I couldn't find a topic, much less any word to continue the conversation. Slap me on the face/arms/torso/legs/my whole body I want to hide; I'm so pathetic.

9. You actively avoid anything that might devolve into audience participation. If I can form another arrangement, that'd be better. If not, then I have no choice but to summon my courage.

Counting all my checks, a good 7.5/9 makes me an introvert. This is freaking me out. All my life I've been deluded that I belong in the outgoing social sphere. What's worse is that, I'm even shy. Introvert+Shy=Not good.

Labels: Thoughts